Category Archives: GLBT

Questions for Opponents of Marriage Equality

29 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by in GLBT, News, Politics

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This past Friday was an exciting day. My Facebook timeline exploded in rainbows. Sunday we attended the Seattle Pride parade, which was as exuberant and celebratory as you would expect.

But the celebration is of course tempered because I know there are people who are angry and upset, people who are somehow convinced that something has been taken away from them. I do find this baffling. Are marriage licenses a finite resource? Can only so many be printed a year, so now straight couples will be turned away by the county clerk? Will they run out of paper and ink?

How can allowing more people to marry possibly take anything away from anyone?

I don’t really want to rehash all the arguments again. I’m tired of reminding people that there is a distinction between civil marriage and religious marriage. I’m tired of pointing out that your church may enforce any rules or requirements it wishes on those it will marry, but it cannot and should not insist that the state enforce those rules when issuing civil marriage licenses to people who are not members of your church. Or noting that there are millions of heterosexual couples that don’t meet your church’s standard for marriage and yet are still legitimately, legally married, and somehow this never seems to bother you the way gay couples do (previously divorced couples, couples with no children, mixed faith couples, atheist couples. Heck, even mixed race couples probably violate some religions, sadly).

And I’m tired of the strange idea that somehow your religious freedom is abridged by my mere existence, that I am supposed to hide my life out of sight so that you can be comfortable.

The hell with that. I live my life like every other human. I will not pretend to be something I am not.

I keep hearing about people of “good will” who oppose same sex marriage due to their “deeply held beliefs.” And to those people, I have a few questions.

Back in December of 2013, Renee was diagnosed with what turned out to be a benign brain tumor, about an inch in diameter. It had grown slowly, probably for at least half a decade, but had finally reached a size that it caused symptoms that sent us to the ER on an otherwise normal Tuesday morning in December. Then an appointment with her primary care doctor. Then the appointment with the neurosurgeon. Then brain surgery. Try, for just a moment, to imagine the fear and anxiety around someone cutting into a loved one’s skull.

In the days leading up to that surgery, we did what we could to ensure that there would be no legal issues with the hospital. Made sure they had copies of our paperwork giving me the right to make medical decisions if she could not. Filed paperwork with the county to ensure that, should the worst happen, ownership of our house would pass directly to me. Pesky legal things that were a hassle to do and added plenty of anxiety to an already anxious time. Pesky things that perhaps would not be necessary if we were legally married. Thank goodness we had already created wills – we would not have had time to do that in those few days before surgery.

How would you, and your “deeply held beliefs” have been harmed if we had not needed to leap through all those legal hoops? How would it have changed your life? Would you have even noticed?

In the days after the surgery, I slept on a cot in Renee’s hospital room every night until she was released, and our amazing friends rallied around to help out. I don’t know or care what the nurses and aides might have thought – did my presence and my obvious love for my partner harm them in any way? How were they harmed? How would it have benefited their faith if I had been barred from the hospital room?

How do you benefit by making my life even more difficult and stressful during an already difficult time?

Renee and I got legally married nearly a year ago, in Spokane, WA since we still lived in Montana where it wasn’t quite legal yet. It made life easier while selling our houses and buying our new home. We probably saved a little money in taxes. And again I ask, how were you harmed? How did our real estate transactions violate your deeply held beliefs? Was the tax advisor at H&R Block who helped us file our joint tax return harmed in some way? (she probably made a good chunk of money from it, given the complexity of our taxes this year).

If you truly are a person of “good will” and you have no animosity towards me, and yet you want to make my life more difficult in these ways…well, I think I may question just how much good will you really have. Remembering again here, I am only talking about what the government recognizes, not your church.

Of course, marriage is much more than a collection of legal benefits like hospital visitation. taxes, and inheritance. Those are merely the most practical, obvious benefits that flow from legal recognition. If we are talking about the spiritual and emotional aspects of marriage, well, we’ve been married since 2012, when we held a ceremony while camping in Utah with our close friends.

On that day, we took vows promising to love and care for one another.

How did those vows harm you? How did those promises take away your freedom? You are free to believe that those promises are meaningless according to the rules of your church, of course.

If you can’t articulate a concrete way the events I’ve just described harmed you, then how does this recent supreme court ruling harm you?

Joy

Legal at last -- July 2014

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A Brief Note on Politics

02 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in GLBT, Politics

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A Brief Note on Politics

My parents have been Republicans since, oh sometime around the Kennedy era. Before I was born. This is sometimes a source of friction between us; for the most part it is best if we just don’t discuss politics at all.

The thing is, they aren’t at all religious. They dislike the “religious right.” They claim to be pro-gay, and pro-choice[1], and I think they are sincere in those beliefs. They have just always believed that they will be better off financially under the Republicans — their taxes will somehow be lower, and so on. “Voting by their pocketbook” is one way of putting it.

They ignore the religious right wing of their party — a wing that has gotten louder and louder over the years. On rare occasions when we do discuss politics, they seem to regard me as a “single-issue” voter because I can’t ignore the Republican party’s anti-gay stance.

In an attempt to speak their language, I have occasionally attempted to explain that voting against the anti-gay policies is, in fact, voting according to my pocketbook since these policies, aside from being unjust, do have an actual financial impact on my life. I don’t think I’ve ever managed to make them see that.

Today I came across this article that lays it out.

Gay people pay higher taxes. One candidate wants to keep it that way and one has taken steps – and is encouraging more – that will make your wallet feel the impact of government on a more equal setting. It all comes down to DOMA.

Barack Obama believes that same-sex couples should be allowed access to marriage and Mitt Romney believes that they should not. And while these beliefs have not historically had much real consequence, in 2012 they do. It’s not just opinion, it’s not just position, it’s money in your pocket.

And then he describes five ways the lack of marriage costs gay people more, mostly as a result of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). Many of these issues mostly apply to people in places where same-sex marriage is legal (alas, not Montana), but I have been hit with this one:

Gay Tax – This one is the most obscene of all tax differences and, for unfathomable reasons, it is the one that no politicians of either party seem willing to address. If your brother covers his wife on his health insurance policy at work, it is a non-taxable benefit. If you, however, cover your wife (or domestic partner) on your health insurance policy at work, the IRS requires your boss to report the amount as income to you and they tax it. This can mean hundreds of dollars a year paid in taxes, just for being gay.

(As many employers in non-marriage states now honor domestic partnerships, this is not exactly a DOMA issue. Even if DOMA is overturned, many gay employees will remain subject to the Gay Tax.)

Read the whole thing for all the facts and figures and details. The final paragraph sums it up:

So while there could be a legitimate argument that our civil rights are a more important consideration than our pocketbook, I don’t think that in this election they are in competition. It is because of our civil freedoms and equalities and also because of our pocketbooks that I endorse Barack Obama for reelection on Tuesday.

I couldn’t agree more.

  1. Despite the fact that my mom really admires the Bush family (don’t ask, I don’t know why), she actually did write a letter to the first President Bush explaining that she disagreed with his pro-life stance because she was the parent of two daughters. But that was a very long time ago; as far as I know, she never sent any letters to the second President Bush.

Rant: Rude People

17 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by in GLBT, Politics, Rants

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So, I kind of hate to post this. I have been terrible about updating my blog lately. We’ve had a very busy, but great summer with lots of good things happening that I really should be writing about – our trip to Utah back in the spring, some cool backyard landscaping projects, a couple pool parties, a camping trip, river rafting, a brand new truck, river tubing, lots of good bike rides with the dogs, lots of days swimming in the pool, and a relatively good visit with family members. So I sort of hate to go and post something negative.

But this incident made me cranky today. So there you have it.

We were at the courthouse to get plates for our new truck. Montana has an enormous number of specialty plates to choose from to support various organizations. They had a big display on the wall, so we wandered over to look over our options while we waited for them to call our number. We considered keeping our current plate (supporting the Spay and Neuter Task Force), but sort of wanted to try something new.

Our Old Plate

Our old plate for the Spay and Neuter Task Force.

As we browsed the plates, we heard a deep voice say something like “pretty soon even the queers and lesbians will have a plate.” From his tone you could tell he didn’t much like this prospect.

Now, I am not very confrontational and had no wish to get in an argument with someone in a public place. But his comment burned me. For one, there would be nothing wrong with a gay or lesbian group sponsoring a license plate. The “Montana Right to Life Association Educational Trust” has a plate, after all, and abortion is a controversial political issue.

But the other issue was just his derisive tone. And the fact that I really don’t think it was a coincidence that he chose to make this comment right at that moment when two women were standing there discussing the plates they wanted for their vehicle.

Now, unlike me, Renee is not afraid of confrontation (she is a combat veteran after all). She turned to the man and asked, “Is that really an appropriate comment?”

I think he was surprised to be challenged. He dug in his heels “well what else am I going to call queers and lesbians? It’s politically correct.”

Somehow I don’t think his comment had anything to do with “political correctness.”

Renee replied “you’re a rude man. And you’re teaching that to your son. That was an inappropriate comment.”

This went on for a few minutes more, with him focusing on “what else am I going to call them.” He threw in the word “faggot” somewhere along the way and groused that “its pretty common around here.” So there are just too many of those queers and lesbians here in Missoula? Or something?

Somehow we continued looking at the plates and agreed on the one to get (Montana Audobon – we liked the image of the birds.)

The new plate

Our new plate supporting Montana Audobon

Renee was still steaming. But I was proud of her. She managed the entire confrontation without raising her voice, causing a scene, getting in a fight, or calling him any sort of name. She just pointed out that the was being rude. That’s all.

I guess the whole point is, people can think whatever they like and believe whatever they like. I mean, I’ve certainly seen people out in public who appear to live their lives in a way with which I might disagree. But I don’t go out of my way to insult those people when I see them. I ignore them and go about my own business. Because I don’t see a need to be purposely rude to strangers.

(On another note – technology is cool. I drafted most of this post on my phone while we waited for them to call our number. Just edited and filled in a few bits later on at home.)